The PDA Way

I found myself this evening sat on the grass in my mum and dads back garden, as I had called round and nobody was home. It was so quiet - just the birds singing (cliche I know - but true!). It’s not often I get time like this to myself so I savoured the moment (just missing a nice pink gin!) and was thinking of all the things that Little C has overcome this past week.   It’s been a really good week! Last weekend Little C managed both a short car journey  and  a hair cut. We even managed a treat afterwards in a little cafe opposite the barbers. This is HUGE and these moments are so special. Moments and events that most people probably wouldn’t think twice about.  The outing didn’t go without a few hiccups though and we very nearly had to walk home. But with a lot of patience and encouragement he was able to get back in Auntie S’s car for the drive home (and didn’t throw up - bonus!) Then in the week he went into school.. twice! Just an hour each time, only in the play...

Some days are harder than others. Today has been hard - and it’s only 11.00am! It’s one of those days where you look round and see all the flaws in your house (the ones that nobody else can see) and everywhere just look untidy and needs a good clean (including Little C). But Little C wants me to play and I’m SO not in the mood today.   It’s weird how my mood seems to drag everyone else’s mood down too. Even my bonsai tree looks brown and drab today. I hate how I’m always expected to be happy and smiling and eager to play (and serve food and change dirty nappies - all with a smile). If I’m quiet or my voice isn’t as chirpy, Little C will constantly ask ‘what’s wrong with your face?’ Can you imagine being asked that every 5 minutes when you’re in a crap mood?! I want to reply to him ‘THIS IS JUST MY FACE!’  I know he doesn’t mean it, he’s trying to understand why I’m not my usual self (he actually thinks it’s because I lost at Shapes and Beats earlier - if only it was that simpl...

I recently played on the Xbox with Little C. It’s something I’ve purposely avoided and left to Little C’s dad and Big C. Technology and gaming isn’t really my thing. But earlier this week I was tired and I’d just made a brew so I gave in for the simple fact that I could play from the comfort of the settee!   Little C is very difficult to play with, both in person as well as when gaming. He dominates the games, changes the rules to suit himself, struggles with taking turns, is impatient, angry and gets bored very quickly. We’ve tried to teach him some of these skills but it’s very hard to get him to think any differently. He sees himself as being the leader and that rules just don’t apply to him. He is incredibly fixed in this way of thinking. We played Minecraft first and he had me throw the contents of my ‘chest’ to him. I didn’t realise at the time that he was basically taking everything in my chest and putting it in his! Then we played a game called Rush and although he designed...

I thought I’d explain the title of my blog a bit more,  ‘The PDA Way’. PDA stands for Pathological Demand Avoidance. The PDA Society are a charity and have a fantastic website which they are happy for me to post a link to   www.pdasociety.org.uk   As anyone with a PDA child already knows, conventional parenting doesn’t work. So rewards, consequences, praise …all the usual things you’d do as a parent cause anxiety, anger, meltdowns, violence. We tried for so long in the belief that we needed to be firmer, clearer boundaries, more consistent. Super Nanny’s voice rang in my head ‘he’s ruling the roost’ (I look back now and wonder how many of those kids on Super Nanny had undiagnosed PDA!). Everything was  a constant battle and we were all pretty miserable. I questioned myself and my parenting. I felt like a failure. Enter CAMHs, The Early Attachment Team to be exact. We were allocated a Clinical Psychologist, we’ll call her S.  S is the main person in our journey w...

As you’ve probably gathered, Little C is a very anxious child. It’s been explained to us that he’s living in the ‘fight or flight’ mode pretty much constantly. He is always on high alert for anything that isn’t expected. He needs to know what is going to happen and that there will be no surprises, or anything different expected of him. He needs to feel in control and most of all safe. Some things that used to just frighten or scare him have turned into full-blown phobias. To see the panic on his face is awful, especially when it’s things people do every day - brushing teeth, using the toilet, leaving the house.  His anxieties are complicated by sensory differences and demand avoidance (a compulsive refusal to do something). Quick note here that ‘demand avoidance’ is real - it doesn’t sound real I know, but it is very real. We see it every day. It’s not always something he’s afraid of either, it can be of just not having a choice or having control.  So for example bat...

Little C currently doesn’t go to school. He has what is called ‘Emotionally Based School Avoidance’ (EBSA) also annoyingly known as ‘school refusal’.  He is still registered at our local mainstream primary school but he hasn’t attended for most of this school year. He should be in Year 1. When the school year started in September he managed for a short while (probably as school did ‘continuous provision’ initially, which is play-led learning like in Reception Class). But as soon as the formal lessons commenced after the October half term, things went rapidly downhill. He then did a few weeks of going in for 15-30 mins a day and various attempts to get Little C to ‘bond’ with the TA in the Year One class. But to no avail. Little C didn’t want to be there and the mornings yet again became impossible. Crying, screaming, running, hiding, hitting, spitting, begging, vomiting. For hours. Sometimes starting very early in the morning, sometimes in the middle of the night and sometimes at b...

The star of this blog is my son who I’ll refer to as Little C. My older son will be Big C. Then there’s my husband (Dad) and then me.  Our PDA story started 6 years ago when our youngest boy Little C was born.  Little C slotted into our family perfectly. We had just moved into our new house a few months earlier and things were good. Little C was a content and easy baby (compared to how his brother had been as a baby anyway!)  Things were going well until at 9 weeks old Little C became unwell. He had cried all night and at 6am I took his temperature and although he didn’t feel particularly hot, the reading said 40.2! We decided to bypass 111 and to take him straight to A&E. My mum came round to look after Big C who was 6. I remember Big C’s words as we left the house, he said ‘I don’t want him to die’ (This whole part of the story might have no significance to Little C’s later problems, but I’m telling you to give you the full background ….if you’re still reading that ...