School (refusal)

Little C currently doesn’t go to school. He has what is called ‘Emotionally Based School Avoidance’ (EBSA) also annoyingly known as ‘school refusal’. 

He is still registered at our local mainstream primary school but he hasn’t attended for most of this school year. He should be in Year 1. When the school year started in September he managed for a short while (probably as school did ‘continuous provision’ initially, which is play-led learning like in Reception Class). But as soon as the formal lessons commenced after the October half term, things went rapidly downhill. He then did a few weeks of going in for 15-30 mins a day and various attempts to get Little C to ‘bond’ with the TA in the Year One class. But to no avail. Little C didn’t want to be there and the mornings yet again became impossible. Crying, screaming, running, hiding, hitting, spitting, begging, vomiting. For hours. Sometimes starting very early in the morning, sometimes in the middle of the night and sometimes at bedtime the night before. 

This isn’t new to us though. This pattern of extreme anxiety at going to school/nursery has been part of our life since Little C was just 8 months old. 

Nursery #1

At his first nursery he did okay until he moved into the ‘toddler room’ - he couldn’t toddle though, he could only bum shuffle. He’d been kept in the baby room for a good while longer but there was concern that by keeping him there he’d fall further behind with his development. In the toddler room he cried - a lot! I remember phoning to ask how he was and I could hear him crying in the background. My heart would break and I would often end up in tears at work. The nursery staff were taking turns sitting in the corridor as this was the only place he would settle. This was a really difficult time. I think at this point we were starting to realise that Little C’s difficulties were a bit more than just being ‘a bit behind with his milestones’. Physiotherapy were doing some work with him and had provided a standing frame. Little C hated this. He was so hysterical when we put him in it that he was referred for X-rays as the physiotherapist couldn’t understand the level of distress and was concerned that he was in pain. His X-rays came back fine though.

Little C was about 18 months old at this point and I was mentally drained, utterly exhausted and quite possibly on the verse of a breakdown. I’d cry on the way to work and again when I got into work and told colleagues of the mornings events. I’d lay awake at night worrying that he’d never walk. Then my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer and that was the final straw. The managers at work were amazing. I’ve been extremely lucky in this regard and I was supported in my request to take a 6 month career break from work. I needed some time to get my head together and to decide what to do. 

Nursery #2

After a few months recuperation time Little C started at another private nursery. Here they were very proactive and arranged for one-to-one support from the start. Little C did well and had lots of intensive physio and speech therapy and he finally learned to walk (at 2.7 years old) and his speech improved greatly. It was here where I met the first person who would really help us, she was the nursery SENCO, we’ll call her C. I look back now and realise just how significant C’s input was. She saw what we saw, she understood and for the first time I felt believed and supported. She made me feel like a good mum - which was something I hadn’t felt for quite a while. 

Little C eventually left this nursery to start at the local school nursery (as he couldn’t settle into the pre-school room within the nursery and as school-age was looming it seemed the right decision). C’s work with us therefore ended and she handed us over to the school - I was sad that her support would end but she had given me a lot more confidence and I felt stronger than ever. 

Mainstream 

So in October 2019, our journey with mainstream school began. The journey has been…well, wobbly! Lots of ups and downs. Lots of meetings. Lots of emails. Lots of tears (both Little C and me!). I’ve tried hard to keep a good relationship with school, but it’s been frustrating. I have at times felt judged and not believed. I’ve been offered parenting courses. Threatened with fines and of off-rolling. It’s fair to say our relationship with school is strained. But we are still working together to try to get an EHCP for Little C. I don’t know what the longer term plan is, a specialist school, one-one support, home schooling? I just don’t know. The EHCP process is long and we’re right at the beginning. We should hear from the local authority in the next 3 weeks to tell us whether they will assess him or not (our local authority refuses most requests at this point). So it’s the start of a long battle. I feel ready though!